How to Create COVID-19 Fashions
Episode 58 - When the awful COVID-19 pandemic of 2020 took hold, Steve was off at his annual Men's Spa & Crafting Retreat. Separated by miles--and Bev's worrisome telephone silence--Steve decides to make himself useful by crafting some fashionable garments and accessories designed to keep viewers safe during this difficult time. From his Smacket with a train that converts to a full face mask, to his gold lamé head scarf/face mask, Steve has you covered.
May the 4th Be With You
Episode 57 - Bev and Steve celebrate "Star Wars Day" by showing viewers how their favorite film franchise is actually an homage to the awesome power of God--and His Light Saber Lip Balm. A big holy thank you to fan Cherry Berry for alerting Bev and Steve to this secular holiday they knew nothing about, but immediately Christianized.
How to Make Holy Snow Globes
Episode 56 - Bev shows viewers how to make a snow globe microcosm of current events that require the Lord's intervention, while Steve veers off on flamboyant snow globe tangents. Merry Christmas!
How to Build a Succulent Garden
Episode 55 - How to Build a Self-Watering Succulent Garden out of Faith. When Bev wakes one morning to find her succulent garden watered and the faces of her ceramic garden Jesuses* wet, she assumes their holy tears are nourishing the tiny oasis she created as an escape from the world's excessive gayness, and current events. The garden's continuous self-watering reinforces her belief that it's a miracle. But is it? * As featured in Episode 47, "How to Make Salt & Pepper Jesuses."
How to Make an Exorcism Kit
Episode 54 - With the worldwide uptick in demonic activity, and the resulting shortage of Catholic priests, Bev and Steve show viewers how they can perform their own exorcisms using simple objects found at the swap meet.
How to Make an Ice Floe Kit
Episode 53 - Bev fully embraces the #MeToo movement--when a middle-aged woman acknowledges that she, too, has reached her expiration date--and shows female viewers how to prep for when it's time to do what the Eskimos do: climb onto an ice floe and await death.
How to Make a Porta-Shrine
Episode 52 - Why wait until after a calamity to begin dispensing thoughts and prayers? Harness the divine power of these powerful ecumenical tools when they count the most -- while actively under siege. Bev and Steve will show you how to craft a must-have for the vexing uncertainties of modern-day life: a porta-shrine.
The Holy Shrapnel Necklace
Episode 51 - When a mammogram reveals a 3.5-inch nail in Bev's left breast, she believes it's holy shrapnel -- like thorns from Christ's crown found in the hearts of dead saints -- and sends her application for beatification to The Vatican. Her joy is short-lived when the Pope's rejection letter jogs her memory of a recent Noah's Ark craft where Steve was in charge of the nail gun.
Buying Ivanka's Fashion
Episode 50 - Bev and Steve eschew crafting in this emergency episode to amplify presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway's message to "Go buy Ivanka's stuff." Even though the Christian couple continues to be financially non-blessed by the Lord, their compassion for the suffering of the President's millionairess daughter compels them to throw credit-card caution to the wind and buy Ivanka-Wear.
Episode 49 - Unsure of the origin of the suddenly ubiquitous phrase "grab 'em by the pussy," Bev and Steve chide the rap music industry while crafting a unisex protective device, just in time for the holidays.
Tim Gunn Episodes!
Episodes 13-19 - Fashion guru Tim Gunn ("Project Runway") lifts his restraining order against Steve and agrees to take a look at Steve's Smackets. Click here for all seven episodes featuring the fabulous Mr. Gunn!
Salt & Pepper Jesuses
Episode 47 - Bev and Steve attempt to convert two ceramic Jesus busts found at the swap meet into salt and pepper shakers. When the ceramic skulls prove impenetrable to drilling, Bev and Steve learn a powerful lesson in divining divinity from everything.
How to Repair Christ's Fingers
Episode 48 - Bev and Steve attempt to repair the cupped, loving hands of Christ, whose two missing fingers Bev suspects were maliciously amputated by an atheist with a coping saw. As ever, Steve's need for pizzazz subverts the project and ends in a needless death.
Merry Christmas From Bev & Steve (20
Episode 46 - Bev & Steve wish their viewers a very Merry Christmas and a crafty New Year!
How to Make Prayer Cloths
Episode 44 - Bev and Steve instruct viewers how to steep fabric pieces between Bible pages to produce Prayer Cloths infused with supernatural power to fill cavities, pay bills, eradicate cats, bring the dead back to life, and more.
Bev & Steve Go to Hobby Lobby
Episode 45 - Now that the Christian craft giant has arrived in their town, Bev and Steve are thrilled they can finally shop in an environment free of secular and Satanic craft supplies. Or can they?
Stranger's Sex-Filled Diary
Episode 43 - Bev and Steve read aloud from a 1996 diary Bev found at the Swap Meet and pray for the promiscuous diarist -- a 21-year old hostess at Rockin' Baja Lobster Restaurant who chronicled her awkward sexual trysts with busboy "R," after which he would ignore her.
Episode 42 - In homage to the Lord's redeeming work with the destitute, Bev and Steve attempt to restore a talking doll found at the Swap Meet. Along the way, they make the frightening discovery that dolls are the devil's new medium.
Episode 41 - Via helpful role-playing scenarios, Bev and Steve show Christian business owners in Indiana, Arkansas, and other progressive states how to wield their newfound Religious Freedom Bills with grace and tough love.
Cloudy With A Chance of God
Episode 40 - Bev and Steve practice the art of cloud divination so that they may better interpret the billowy messages being sent by God. Find out what God has to say about volcanoes, the upcoming Presidential election, Dick Cheney, llamas, and the return of His famous Son.
St. Patrick's Day Brooch
Episode 39 - Bev reluctantly assists Steve in a St. Patrick's Day craft, despite St. Patrick not having been officially canonized, and the fact that geological record does not support his "miracles."
Padded Bible Covers
Episode 38 - Bev and Steve launch their newly created Bible Thumper Awareness Month (™ ® ©) by crafting padded Bible covers.
Put the Lent in Valentine's Day
Episode 37 - Bev and Steve continue in their crusade to Christianize every holiday by wresting the popular February pagan affair from the hands of Hallmark and placing it in the heart of Jesus.
Big Gulp Soda Purse
Episode 36 - As a means of repurposing the massive collection of Big Gulp cups spawned by Bev's high-fructose corn syrup addiction, she cleverly invents The Soda Purse.
Call Me God
Episode 35 - In rebuke of Halloween and in dismay of God's curious silence, Bev and Steve concoct a communication pathway using a pumpkin as a conduit.
Bible Belts for Urban Youth
Episode 34 - Bev and Steve's brief foray into the ghetto to spread world peace through craft nets a head wound for Steve and insight into the anger of urban youth. The Christian couple deduces that the lack of belts and resulting falling pants are the root of shame-based violence. As such, they craft Bible Belts infused (i.e. duct-taped) with verses to lift the hearts and pants of those in need.
Spring Bonnets for Dogs
Episode 33 - Bev and Steve make bonnets for their furkids, St. Sebastian and Ruth. Due to "unforeseen" circumstances, St. Sebastian is unable to make his final fitting.
Episode 32 - In preparation for a bout of much-needed exercise, crafty spouses Bev & Steve bedeck their bikes with Christian flair (with the exception of Steve's curious choice of ribbon and Bev's clueless use of tarot cards).The brief journey ends with a valuable lesson in why the Lord admonishes us to "be not of this world."
How to Beat Holiday Stress
Episode 30 - Bev and Steve are crippled by holiday stress until they recall the true meaning of Christmas, recount the tale of Jesus's birth (rife with historical inaccuracy), and conclude with a fast and easy craft: how to make a festive holiday lamp with a votive and a cheese grater. It's all fun until someone gets hurt--and Bev does when she forgets that metal + flame = heat.
Michaels Craft Store Outing
Episode 31 - Bev and Steve venture outside their craft lair to redeem a coupon at Michaels -- their favorite place on earth. It's all magic and merry until Bev disrupts her glucose level with a box of Valentine Peeps and releases her inner Satan.
Iron Lung Holiday Runner
Episode 29 - Bev & Steve respond to a fan letter from Slev Baronovsky who requests a fanciful holiday runner for his iron lung. With their trademark blithe obliviousness, the crafty couple births an asbestos monstrosity laden with lights, ornaments, fruitcake, a telescoping backscratcher, beach ball and more -- all items deemed necessary by the dim light of their reasoning. As ever, the best intentions of Bev and Steve often go astray.
Episode 28 - Bev and Steve take their crafting skills to an ecclesiastical level when they transform the ghastly gourd of the pagan Druidian Festival into a beacon of truth, hope and flashing light.
Bev's Craft Plank
Episode 27 - Bev's Craft Plank -- her revolutionary portable pounding surface for crafters of all ilks -- isn't selling well (i.e., at all) on Etsy, causing Bev and Steve to reexamine their apparently inadequate tithing to the 700 Club. Their plan to increase favor with the Lord by increasing their offering to Pat Robertson is derailed when Bev discovers Steve has pilfered funds from her revolutionary Tithe Pendant.
Dish Towel Hanger
Episode 26 - Bev shows viewers a handy way to make a quick-to-craft dish towel hanger, and shares how her Hotline to Jesus phone pendant is a source of comfort and counsel. It all turns to terror when someone makes an unexpected call.
Episode 25 - Bev embeds empty lipstick tubes with tiny saints to beseech under the guise of applying lipstick. (Guys, you can use ChapStick tubes!)
Episode 24 - Bev & Steve show viewers how to craft captivating Christian Kites, resplendent with shimmering tails and stealth Christian advertising. Then watch as Bev & Steve leave the serenity of their crafting room and go out into nature to watch their newly-crafted flying machines soar through the air with ease! (Well...sort of).
Episode 23 - Bev and Steve accidentally unleash a Sharknado when they gut and repack a SeaWorld souvenir shark with a cross, a Bible and Bev's secret ingredient--which they hope will entice real sharks for mating, thus creating a new breed of Christian Shark that will stop attacking humans, thus sparing Bev and Steve the site of prosthetic limbs on public beaches. Thank you to #1 Fan Ana for suggesting a shark-themed craft!
Doll Repair & Vengeance
Episode 22 - Bev sustains the bargain of a lifetime at the swap meet and fulfills her dream of owning a Franklin Mint Princess Diana Bride Doll. Bev soon discovers that Diana is missing a limb and comes up with the perfect solution. Boil down a Camilla doll for raw ingredients. Be sure to stay tuned after the credits for Bev's wine-fueled Camilla musings.
Mrs. Tim Gunn Wannabe
Episode 21 - Just as Bev & Steve discover that someone has left a Tim Gunn cake on their doorstep, an unexpected guest (she calls herself "Lotta") crashes Christian Crafternoon with a not-so-hidden motive: Get Tim Gunn's Address! Will Lotta track down Tim and become Mrs. Tim Gunn? You'll have to watch to find out.
Easter Egg Pendant
Episode 12 - Bev's hostile reaction to Steve's latest smacket (smock + jacket) jeopardizes their attempt to create an Easter egg pendant.
Wine Bottle Chandelier
Episode 11 - Bev's unholy love for the blood of Christ yields an endless supply of wine bottles, which she hopes to parlay into a chandelier enterprise. But the best laid plans of Bev & Steve often go astray.
Church Pew Cushions
Episode 20 - Bev & Steve show viewers how to make church pew cushions out of used bags, saving the Earth one behind at a time.
Episode 10 - Bev & Steve create a dinosaur centerpiece that doubles as a friendship filter. Place it on the table when home-entertaining and see where the discussion leads. If your "friends" believe in dinosaurs, then you'll know who to never invite back to your home.
How to Make a Smacket
Episode 9 - Steve shows viewers how to make one of his men's crafting smackets (smock + jacket), and Bev surprises him on-air with a letter from his idol: Tim Gunn!
Army of Pinecone Jesuses
Episode 7 - Bev & Steve create an army of Jesuses out of pinecones.
Christmas Card Afghan
Episode 8 - Bev shows us how to repurpose our Christmas cards--especially the ones from people we don't like--to make a beautiful afghan.
Parting of the Red Sea Via Jello
Episode 6 - Bev & Steve tell the story of the parting of the Red Sea through the medium of Jello.
Papier-Mâché Soup Tureen
Episode 5 - Bev & Steve make a soup tureen out of papier-mâché.
House Slippers From Meat Trays
Episode 4 - Bev & Steve craft house slippers out of styrofoam meat trays.
Church Offering Bucket
Episode 3 - Bev & Steve create a super-sized offering bucket to help bring in more money for their church.
Post-Apocalyptic Craft Kits
Episode 2 - In preparation for the apocalypse that many said would occur on December 21, 2012, Bev & Steve show creative-minded Christians how to properly stock their post-apocalyptic crafting kits.
Episode 1 - The Lost Episode
Episode 1 - The very first episode of Christian Crafternoon is, alas, hidden away in some film vault somewhere in the Bible Belt. Bev & Steve are actively posting on Christian Bulletin Boards, eBay, Craigslist, Christian Mingle, and many other places, desperately trying to find this rare lost episode. If it is ever found, we will post it here.
Ellen Degeneres Bust
Special Episode #2 - Happy Birthday, Ellen! Bev & Steve send birthday greetings to Ellen. They've even crafted a life-like bust of Ellen out of materials that represent the fabulous Australian wildlife Ellen will see on her upcoming trip to the Great Down Under!